|
|
|
| appendix |
|
A
strange vessel which most people can't figure out the need for. The
body will work just as well without it. Get's
clogged up with the author's production notes, which shouldn't be shown
to anyone at all. Ever. The entire Silmarillion is an
appendix. |
| apprentice |
|
The
alchemist always needs someone to shout at when experimenting with
combustibles. "You're fired! Ah-hah." |
| arrow |
|
Apparently
you
need 1 000 of these things to hit a target if he's a hero, and only 1
if he's one of the highly trained warrior bad guys. Real arrows are
story-stoppers. He rode out against the horde. An arrow pierced his
side. He died. |
| bag end |
|
A rare
and
devious contrivance which lives at the bottom of a kit bag and allows
the quester to carry more inventory than humanly possible during long
journeys through the wild. Unfortunately most of the early Role Playing
Games used bag ends, and now they are all used up. |
| balrog |
|
Never
got a high school diploma because the headmaster would always shout
'You shall not Pass!' and then chuckle to himself |
| black rider |
|
Very
hard to film at night |
| bobbit |
|
Just
like a hobbit, but with less legal protection. See Boggins. |
| boggins |
|
The
true story of filming Lord of the Wrings. See 'Stories'
section. |
| crossbow |
|
If
you just want to kill someone, you can shoot them with a bow. But a
crossbow kills them deader. |
| dagger |
|
The
military equivalent of a lethal teaspoon |
| dark lord |
|
Wouldn't
you be a
little testy if you had one eye stuck on top of a tower, your mouth on
some twit on a horse and some bobbit was playing with your
ring? |
| Demondim |
|
Very
silly demons, unable to flame more than a chat-group user and prone to
bumping their heads on their own darkness |
| dragon |
|
The
only way to
exhale fire would be to be belching out methane, which usually comes
out the other end. Which begs the question, who gets to light it? |
| dwarves |
|
A
doomed race of
militant miners. Unfortunately the bearded women proved to be so
unattractive that the whole race died out. Nowadays we just
have people who are short. The real dwarves were born somewhen
before Snow White and died in the Mines of Moria. |
| elder race |
|
Yes,
there was one. They ran away from mammoths and scratched graffitti on
the walls of caves.
Maybe if there had been some elves around (see elf) things would have
turned out differently for us, but then again, we'd probably have ended
up being puke-green, living at the very tops of the tree-apartments and
being too small to reach the elevator buttons. |
| elf |
|
Used
to be a little green guy with antennae, but got rebranded by Tolkien
and is now a leading movie star |
| enchanter |
|
Similar
to a hummer, but can remember the words |
| ent |
|
When
the trees start to talk you should probably stop eating those
mushrooms |
| gate of the dead |
|
There
used to be a guard at the gate, but he died |
| gnomes |
|
Ever
since we
stole Mrs Dew's gnome collection and re-arranged them in compromising
positions on the lawn of the Australian Ambassador, I haven't been able
to take these guys seriously |
| goblin |
|
A lot
bigger than you'd expect, since they are always hungry, always licking,
always goblin |
| helm |
|
The
place where you steer a warrior from. That's why the Vikings had two
handles on their helms. |
| Hirebrand |
|
Rent
him for the night, he'll set your sheets alight. |
| hobbit |
|
You
have to be very hungry to want to eat them. They are those little
pieces of crusty cheese you get around the outside of the hob when
cooking an omelette in a hurry. |
| king |
|
A
man with too
much power and a limited life expectancy. At least nowadays we spread
the love: Burger King, Mattrass King, Stephen King. Although the rules
of succession seem to have changed too; Prince can only ever become a
Queen. |
| knight |
|
A
soldier who has
the iritating manner of moving two steps forward and one to the right,
which means if you were taking cover behind him you are going to take
all those arrows yourself. This is where the Knights of the Round Table
came from. They tried a straight table but the guy on the end kept
falling off the chair that wasn't there. |
| mage |
|
A
member of a
secret order. If you already think that you are a mage, you've
lost half of your mind. If you think that other people believe
you, you've lost the other half. |
| magic |
|
The
thing you discover just at the moment you go mad. |
| mithril |
|
The
thrilling feeling of being lost in a myth. Fantasy authors are addicted
to mithril. |
| mordor |
|
A holiday
theme park for people who don't believe that we're causing global
climate change |
| mines of moria |
|
Where
most fantasy fans get lost and never come out again. |
| necromancer |
|
The
only girl who still uses stiffy disks in her PC |
| orc |
|
The
guy who always
gets the raw deal, like having to fall down a set of stone stairs all
night in the rain in a rubber stunt suit |
| paladin |
|
A
knight who can walk in a straight line (see knight) |
| queen |
|
An
irreplaceable rock band that would have impressed Detritus. |
| ring |
|
While
the rest of
the world was losing money hand-over-fist in the stock market,
Vodaphone was learning just how much money they could make by using the
power of the one ring. One ring, over and over and over. |
| sorcerer |
|
Just
like a wizard, only done with tomato sauce |
| sword |
|
The
medieval negotiating instrument of choice. Sometimes you wouldn't even
understand the issue but you'd still get the point. |
| talisman |
|
A
pocket accessory
that confers magical powers on the user but often leads to
their
downfall, something like the hit of LSD that allows you to fly out the
window. |
| thief |
|
Why
do we find them
intriguing? There is nothing more enraging than finding your car broken
into, or your house contents stripped. The thief should have his hands
cut off in the first scene. Then we'll see how clever he is. Try
picking a lock with your nose. Here, you, come over here, you can pick
my back pocket. |
| Treasure-berries |
|
A
clever solution to the quester's kit-bag, if the bushes bear fruit then
you don't have to carry anything on your epic quest. |
| troll |
|
what
you wake up next to after a blind drunk date |
| warrior |
|
Brutish,
aggressive, bloodthirsty; in real life this guy wasn't very nice at
all. Unfortunately he fathered many many children, so we understand him
all to well. |
| white magic |
|
Supposedly
a force
used only for good purposes. It's about as ridiculous
as having
black electricity and white electricity. Magic is magic. White magic
just has a better marketing team, but strangely enough, black
magic is much more popular. Go figure. We all want to learn the bad-ass
Mortal Coil spell.
|
| wild magic |
|
An
author's dream come true. infinite power without any rules, so it
allows anything to happen. Or so it seems. Until you use it in your
plot, at which point you realise wild magic is the biggest problem you
could have ever made for yourself. |
| wizard |
|
The
strange designs left on the tarmac by male students after drinking too
much beer
|
| wraith |
|
Neither
living nor
dead - if we are to believe the film, they are insensitive homophobic
proctologists (they can't smell very well because they smell so bad
themselves, they can be chased away by a burning faggot and
they
are always reaching for your ring.) |
